Getting to the Root: What Your Frustrations Might Be Trying to Tell You

By Jenifer Sanders, MSOD, PCC

Frustration with other people is a common part of work and life. It can show up in moments like these:

• A coworker takes longer than you’d like to make decisions

• A manager’s feedback feels overly harsh

• A colleague dominates meetings

• Someone’s work feels disorganized or incomplete

• Your effort goes unrecognized

In these moments, the source of frustration can feel obvious. It appears to be about the other person- their behavior, their approach, or their choices.

What if these moments aren’t just about what someone else is doing- but also about what matters to you?

Looking Beneath the Surface

When something irritates or disappoints us, it’s natural to focus outward:

• “They’re too slow.”

• “They’re disorganized.”

• “They don’t appreciate what I do.”

Those reactions are natural, and they can also be only part of the picture.

Frustration doesn't happen in a vacuum. It's shaped by our own values, preferences, expectations, and past experiences. When left unexamined, the same frustrations tend to show up again and again, sometimes with different people but in familiar patterns.

When we take the time to pause and reflect, frustration can shift from something that simply drains our energy into something that offers insight. This is what it means to get to the root.

Getting to the root is the practice of looking beyond the immediate reaction to understand what may be driving it—both externally and internally. It's not about dismissing the situation or ignoring someone else's behavior. It's about expanding your awareness so you can respond with greater clarity and intention.

In many ways, frustration can serve as data. It can reveal where there is misalignment between expectations and reality, between different working styles, or between what we value and what we're experiencing. When viewed this way, frustration becomes less of an obstacle and more of a source of information.

A Pattern Worth Noticing

There’s a common dynamic that shows up across many of these situations:

The behaviors we struggle with most in others often conflict with our own preferences and values.

For example:

• If you value efficiency, you may feel frustrated by someone who takes time to deliberate

• If you prioritize attention to detail, messy work may feel especially aggravating

• If you value recognition, a lack of acknowledgment can feel personal

• If you prefer concise communication, long explanations may feel draining

None of these reactions are wrong. But they are informative. They can highlight what you care about. They can reveal what you prioritize. And they often point to expectations-spoken or unspoken- that you may be bringing into the situation.

When we’re unaware of those expectations, it’s easy to assume that our way is the “right” way. When we become more aware, we start to see that many frustrations are not just about right versus wrong- they’re about differences. And differences, when understood, can be navigated.

For leaders, this distinction is especially important. Teams are rarely made up of people who think, communicate, prioritize, or make decisions in exactly the same way. What one person experiences as unnecessary caution, another may view as responsible risk management. What one person sees as directness, another may experience as abruptness. Understanding these differences is often the first step toward stronger collaboration.

From Judgement to Curiosity

In many situations, our first reaction is judgment:

• “Why are they like this?”

• “This makes no sense.”

• “They should know better.”

These thoughts can feel automatic- and they often lead to more frustration rather than resolution. Curiosity offers a different path.

Instead of immediately judging the situation, you can pause and ask:

“What might this frustration say about me?”

This question redirects your attention in a productive way. It doesn’t ignore the other person; it simply brings your own perspective into view.

You might notice something like:

• “I’m feeling frustrated because I value clarity, and this situation feels unclear.”

• “I’m feeling impatient because I prioritize speed, and this process feels slow.”

That small moment of curiosity creates awareness. And awareness creates choice. Without it, frustration often leads to blame, withdrawal, or reactive communication. With it, you gain the ability to respond more intentionally.

Here are a few additional questions that can help you get to the root in real time:

• What could they be prioritizing that’s different from me?

• In what ways might this reflect my own working style or values?

• What expectations might I be bringing into this situation?

• What part of my reaction is influenced by past experiences?

These questions don’t eliminate frustration, but they make it more useful. They help you move from reacting to understanding.

Sometimes the most valuable question is not, "How do I get them to change?" but rather, "What am I not seeing?" That shift can open the door to perspectives, constraints, pressures, or priorities that were previously invisible.

A Practical Example

Consider a situation where you feel consistently frustrated with someone who “takes forever” to make decisions.

At the surface level, it may seem like the issue is indecisiveness. But when you take a step back and get to the root, a different perspective might emerge:

• You value speed, efficiency, and forward momentum

• They value thoroughness, accuracy, and minimizing risk

Now the situation is no longer just about one person being 'too slow.' It’s about a difference in priorities.

• You can clarify when speed is critical versus when deeper analysis is needed

• You can align on expectations for how decisions should be made in different contexts

• You can leverage each approach where it adds the most value

Instead of reacting to the behavior, you’re responding to the dynamic. "The frustration becomes information, not just irritation.

This is often where better outcomes emerge. Rather than trying to eliminate differences, high-performing teams learn how to use them. Speed and thoroughness are not competing strengths—they are complementary strengths when applied appropriately.

Why This Matters

How we interpret and respond to frustration has a meaningful impact on our interactions, relationships, and overall effectiveness.

When frustration goes unexamined, it can show up as:

• Impatience

• Assumptions about intent

• Tension in communication

• Missed opportunities for collaboration

Over time, these patterns can create unnecessary friction.

On the other hand, when you take time to get to the root, you:

• Gain a clearer understanding of your own values and expectations

• Become more adaptable in how you work with others

• Strengthen your ability to communicate with clarity and purpose

• Create more productive and constructive interactions

This isn’t just a professional skill- it’s a life skill. The ability to understand what’s driving your reactions can improve how you navigate a wide range of relationships and situations.

It can also help build trust. People tend to respond more positively when they feel understood rather than judged. The more we understand what is driving both our own reactions and the actions of others, the easier it becomes to have productive conversations, even when perspectives differ.

Balancing Insight with Action

Getting to the root doesn’t mean avoiding challenges or difficult conversations. There will still be times when expectations need to be clarified, feedback needs to be shared, or changes need to be made.

The difference is how you approach those moments.

When you’ve taken time to understand your own perspective, your communication becomes clearer and more grounded.

For example:

Instead of “You’re not being responsive,” you might say:

“I think timely communication is important here given others are waiting on updates. Can we all align on expectations for response time?”

Instead of “You talk too much in meetings,” you might say:

“I’ve noticed we sometimes run short on time in meetings. How can we make sure everyone has space to contribute while staying on track?”

Instead of “You’re not taking ownership,” you might say:

“Ownership is important for this type of work. What would help you feel more confident taking the lead here?”

In each case, the shift is subtle but meaningful. You’re naming what matters and inviting alignment, rather than leading with criticism.

A Simple Practice

The next time you feel frustrated, pause:

1. Name the feeling

What am I feeling right now?

2. Identify the Root

What value, preference, or expectation might be driving this?

3. Get curious

What might be true from their perspective?

Then decide how to respond. This process takes less than a minute, but it can significantly change the tone and outcome of an interaction.

Start Small

You don’t need to overhaul how you approach every interaction. Start with one moment.

Notice when frustration shows up. Pause before reacting. Ask one curiosity-based question. Even small shifts in awareness can create meaningful change over time.

Frustration is a natural part of working and living with others. But it’s also a signal.

When you take the time to get to the root, you gain insight into what matters- both to you and to those around you. And that awareness opens the door to more thoughtful, effective ways of moving forward.

Often, the goal is not to eliminate frustration altogether. The goal is to use it wisely. When approached with awareness and curiosity, frustration can become a catalyst for stronger relationships, better communication, and more effective collaboration.

At SZH Consulting, we help organizations strengthen leadership, culture, and organizational effectiveness by enabling people to work better together. Many of the challenges organizations face are connected to differences in expectations, priorities, and working styles. When leaders and teams develop greater awareness of these dynamics, they can reduce friction, improve collaboration, and create stronger foundations for long-term success.

To learn more about how SZH Consulting helps organizations strengthen leadership, culture, and organizational effectiveness, connect with our team or visit www.szhconsulting.com.